Its been awhile since I last wrote, life has been throwing me some curve balls. I was injured early last year during work and I’ve been struggling with chronic pain ever since. As many know, chronic pain can take its toll on your mental state. I’ve been cranky, sad and disengaged, even downright angry. Going from being completely healthy and active to being challenged just to get up and use the restroom. It was more than I could take. Instead of obedience to God’s word, I chose rebellion as my guide and began to walk in darkness, of which I am just beginning to find my way out of.
My life’s verse is “be still and know that I am God…” Ps 46:10. Mostly because I am always trying to do it all, all on my own. But after my injury, I have been “still” much more than I would like. And even in that stillness, I have not been still. Instead, I wrapped myself up in social media, television and anything that would keep my mind busy, even though my body was still. I quickly began to see this ugly, mean-spirited person develop. I went with it, thinking that I would soon have all the answers. Doctors would give me a diagnosis and then I could begin to rebuild my body and make it back to where I was. However, when I received a diagnosis I didn’t agree with, I was back at square one. Starting the whole process over was unbearable. I broke down and began to weep, yelling at the Lord that I was tired and didn’t want to hurt anymore. I was resolved to just being angry all the time. I began to alienate myself from my family. Just like the story of Jacob and Esau, reconciliation was difficult. Just like Jacob, I have to abandon MY ways and follow the Lord’s ways in order to be reconciled, with family, myself, and God.
I recently received news that a wonderful woman of God from my church had passed unexpectedly. Life and death has a way of making us reevaluate our circumstances. Her death made me question my heart. The reflection in the mirror wasn’t pretty and I decided to call on the Lord to help me straighten it out, reconcile. God so gently corrects us. He didn’t scold me or scorn me, ridicule me or shout at me. He didn’t belittle me or tear me down. He quietly and gently showed me that my life was His gift, it had worth. I was not giving room to the plans He had for me. His purpose for my life was greater than I allowed for. He rewarded me with the sweetness of friendship that was revealed in a single moment. A friendship had blossomed where I didn’t expect. I prayed for it but did not believe it was possible. In that moment, God showed his depth of love for me. My prayers have been heard, and what the enemy had been trying to tear down, God reclaimed for me. Such a sweet, sweet moment.
So, I am on the road to stepping up, healing and learning that no matter what my circumstances, God has a plan for me. Rebellion and anger are nasty little words that can wreak big havoc and sting our spirit, but my God loves. His love is enough; more than enough. It’s overflowing and I am overwhelmed. Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness to love us, even when we are unlovable.